she kept quiet...

She kept quiet as she usually did. So many thought buzzed in her head but she did not voice them for she knew it would only ensue in a fight which she would not win. It has been precisely a month she arrived back home. Finally arrived, with no worry of needing to go back to any forlorn country where her heart was sick of being in. and now when her everything seemed to fall into a place a new fear begins to creep across her. Here she was, forsaking her family to be here striving to be her own person and make her own decisions and choices. Giving up many things for the ultimate thing she thinks she wants: to be with him. No one says it is her wisest decision and maybe it was not but she knew what her choices were and what her heart wanted and so she gambled like her father in the stock market. Her father however was good at what he did and always profited. Her profit in her gamble was still to be seen.

He loved her. She knew this and believed it with everything she had, and she loved him back. But he was so complex and she felt like she could never fully be the person he wanted her to be. A part of her told her that she shouldn’t try to be that person that she was an individual in herself and whatever she wanted to do or feel was alright. But to please him she did try again and again. Then there were times when she did not want to try where she wanted him to try instead but that would never happen. ‘Accept me as I am or find someone else’ was what he usually said if she asked something of him. What she wanted or liked had to be put off or forgone most of the time.

He had been trying of late after she had had a breakdown of sorts and her mental state was diminished to a heavy dark cloud with barely a wisp of warmth could be felt. He tried and yet his dominance sometimes overwhelmed the trying that she barely felt it. But she could not let go. The relationship ran too deep in her. She had never been with anyone else and in her mind and heart knew she would. The sight of marriage was still another 5 or 6 years away and yet she already felt bonded to him. Also she had a secret fear that she may never fall for another man or another man would fall for her as she considered herself with much less self worth than she deserved. If he were to let go she knew she would fall into an abyss of darkness and she feared this with her entire being.

So she kept quiet as she usually did.