depression is a killer. it makes you think suicidal thoughts. emptiness envelops you life a think fog and you cannot see past it. the body grows weaker the mind dims in clarity. you rationalise that your death would be better for everyone not just yourself. true it is for your own escape, to get away from all this meaningless pandemonium.
there are so many ways... poison you think? no there is a great risk you may not die. cutting the wrists? no too messy. hanging? not practical. and then you come to two conclusions: either drowning in the sea or jumping in front of a train would be the best bet. somehow drowning seems the best of the two as you dont even know how to float.
you like the way plath did it.. very efficient. but you dont know how to die from breathing gas without anyone knowing. woolf did it right. but there is no quiet river or lake close by. the sea is just beckoning to you and imagine a beautiful sunset as you walk towards it. what an ideal place to let everything to go to the horizon beyond.
if people see your life there seems to be no reason that can be comprehended for your feelings death. but thats cos no one ever truly knew you. you have hidden yourself so well that no one can penetrate that inner chamber where your heart truly dwells. thus you are always isolated no matter what you may do on the outside.
with each passing day your body grown weaker and you are afraid of yourself knowing that your own doom is near and it will be one of your own doing.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Counterpoint
I smile. He lies asleep his slips slightly protruding making him seem so vulnerable. I think to myself how blessed I am to have this person in my life.
He twitches in his slumber and I hope it isn’t something too disturbing that made him so. His tough exterior is nowhere to be seen as he hugs himself in the land of dreams.
I guess it is natural for me to feel protective of this person next to me. For I know him more than anyone else. I have seen him in his most helpless moments, when he becomes moody when he is hungry, or how grumpy his in the morning. He is like a little boy wanting someone to soothe him, hold him and just love him.
He told me that no one had ever fed him before I did. I felt so sad. It may not be a big thing but through a mother or father feeding you or hugging you or just making sure you are okay and asking what your day is was such a part of my daily life till the recent past. So how can a boy who has parents not have had any of these things? No hugs, no kisses, no ‘how was your day putha?’
And yet here he is, a strong, smart, capable boy who could have easily fallen prey to the negatives of society with no one really concerned of what happened to him. No thanks to those who would be there just when he achieves something (by himself) and show their face to get some fame. He was someone who needed some love.
And then there is a person like myself who has had everything and more. A person who was loved and cared for by many and was shown and taught right from wrong and made to know life with someone looking out for me. I was someone who had so much love in excess.
So isn’t it right for someone like me to be with someone like him? It’s like 2 halves finding the perfect other. Like the hand finding the perfect glove. Me being the motherly figure, who wants to love, care and give him the security of a family and for me to have found my soul mate even without trying to. I know that God made him for me and I for him.
I do hope everyone can feel as happy, content and loved as I am and find that counterpoint of you in this lifetime.
He twitches in his slumber and I hope it isn’t something too disturbing that made him so. His tough exterior is nowhere to be seen as he hugs himself in the land of dreams.
I guess it is natural for me to feel protective of this person next to me. For I know him more than anyone else. I have seen him in his most helpless moments, when he becomes moody when he is hungry, or how grumpy his in the morning. He is like a little boy wanting someone to soothe him, hold him and just love him.
He told me that no one had ever fed him before I did. I felt so sad. It may not be a big thing but through a mother or father feeding you or hugging you or just making sure you are okay and asking what your day is was such a part of my daily life till the recent past. So how can a boy who has parents not have had any of these things? No hugs, no kisses, no ‘how was your day putha?’
And yet here he is, a strong, smart, capable boy who could have easily fallen prey to the negatives of society with no one really concerned of what happened to him. No thanks to those who would be there just when he achieves something (by himself) and show their face to get some fame. He was someone who needed some love.
And then there is a person like myself who has had everything and more. A person who was loved and cared for by many and was shown and taught right from wrong and made to know life with someone looking out for me. I was someone who had so much love in excess.
So isn’t it right for someone like me to be with someone like him? It’s like 2 halves finding the perfect other. Like the hand finding the perfect glove. Me being the motherly figure, who wants to love, care and give him the security of a family and for me to have found my soul mate even without trying to. I know that God made him for me and I for him.
I do hope everyone can feel as happy, content and loved as I am and find that counterpoint of you in this lifetime.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Silence
I speak and someone doesn’t listen
I speak again and someone interrupts me
I speak and someone doesn’t heed what I say…
I stop speaking.
Now someone says ‘speak…’ and there is silence
I won’t speak again
No expressing tales, emotions and the works of my mind
Choose what you want to think
Interpret whatever you want
But you will not hear me speak
My tongue behind my teeth my jaw set
My mind calm after a mad rush of emotion
Blocking consciousness and reality
The air never reaches the tender folds of flesh
Never passing through the palate of richness
For with time speech is lost
Silence remains for silence can say enough
Maybe right maybe wrong…
It’s up to you to choose
For I will not speak
I speak again and someone interrupts me
I speak and someone doesn’t heed what I say…
I stop speaking.
Now someone says ‘speak…’ and there is silence
I won’t speak again
No expressing tales, emotions and the works of my mind
Choose what you want to think
Interpret whatever you want
But you will not hear me speak
My tongue behind my teeth my jaw set
My mind calm after a mad rush of emotion
Blocking consciousness and reality
The air never reaches the tender folds of flesh
Never passing through the palate of richness
For with time speech is lost
Silence remains for silence can say enough
Maybe right maybe wrong…
It’s up to you to choose
For I will not speak
I Try I Try..
I try I try…
But I end up with nothing but a wounded spirit
Crying eyes.
Why is it so hard? All I ever do is try to please you
But it is never enough.
And when I am just done with criticism I’ll sigh…
But never will you come away to see
The hurt in my heart and eyes.
I try I try…
Always doing everything I can to make things easier for you
Feeling terrible when what I can do is limited
And yet you go on complaining and complaining
I sigh…
For I will never tell you how much you hurt me
You will only see it in your eyes
Looking at me as if I were incompetent, a child
Who knows nothing and amounts to nothing
I try I try…
And I dread the day I stop trying
For that is the day we will go our separate ways
Leaving years of trying to the ashes of time
I sigh…
For now I will keep trying
Till time and will mark a full stop on our rhyme.
But I end up with nothing but a wounded spirit
Crying eyes.
Why is it so hard? All I ever do is try to please you
But it is never enough.
And when I am just done with criticism I’ll sigh…
But never will you come away to see
The hurt in my heart and eyes.
I try I try…
Always doing everything I can to make things easier for you
Feeling terrible when what I can do is limited
And yet you go on complaining and complaining
I sigh…
For I will never tell you how much you hurt me
You will only see it in your eyes
Looking at me as if I were incompetent, a child
Who knows nothing and amounts to nothing
I try I try…
And I dread the day I stop trying
For that is the day we will go our separate ways
Leaving years of trying to the ashes of time
I sigh…
For now I will keep trying
Till time and will mark a full stop on our rhyme.
Friday, September 5, 2008
she kept quiet...
She kept quiet as she usually did. So many thought buzzed in her head but she did not voice them for she knew it would only ensue in a fight which she would not win. It has been precisely a month she arrived back home. Finally arrived, with no worry of needing to go back to any forlorn country where her heart was sick of being in. and now when her everything seemed to fall into a place a new fear begins to creep across her. Here she was, forsaking her family to be here striving to be her own person and make her own decisions and choices. Giving up many things for the ultimate thing she thinks she wants: to be with him. No one says it is her wisest decision and maybe it was not but she knew what her choices were and what her heart wanted and so she gambled like her father in the stock market. Her father however was good at what he did and always profited. Her profit in her gamble was still to be seen.
He loved her. She knew this and believed it with everything she had, and she loved him back. But he was so complex and she felt like she could never fully be the person he wanted her to be. A part of her told her that she shouldn’t try to be that person that she was an individual in herself and whatever she wanted to do or feel was alright. But to please him she did try again and again. Then there were times when she did not want to try where she wanted him to try instead but that would never happen. ‘Accept me as I am or find someone else’ was what he usually said if she asked something of him. What she wanted or liked had to be put off or forgone most of the time.
He had been trying of late after she had had a breakdown of sorts and her mental state was diminished to a heavy dark cloud with barely a wisp of warmth could be felt. He tried and yet his dominance sometimes overwhelmed the trying that she barely felt it. But she could not let go. The relationship ran too deep in her. She had never been with anyone else and in her mind and heart knew she would. The sight of marriage was still another 5 or 6 years away and yet she already felt bonded to him. Also she had a secret fear that she may never fall for another man or another man would fall for her as she considered herself with much less self worth than she deserved. If he were to let go she knew she would fall into an abyss of darkness and she feared this with her entire being.
So she kept quiet as she usually did.
He loved her. She knew this and believed it with everything she had, and she loved him back. But he was so complex and she felt like she could never fully be the person he wanted her to be. A part of her told her that she shouldn’t try to be that person that she was an individual in herself and whatever she wanted to do or feel was alright. But to please him she did try again and again. Then there were times when she did not want to try where she wanted him to try instead but that would never happen. ‘Accept me as I am or find someone else’ was what he usually said if she asked something of him. What she wanted or liked had to be put off or forgone most of the time.
He had been trying of late after she had had a breakdown of sorts and her mental state was diminished to a heavy dark cloud with barely a wisp of warmth could be felt. He tried and yet his dominance sometimes overwhelmed the trying that she barely felt it. But she could not let go. The relationship ran too deep in her. She had never been with anyone else and in her mind and heart knew she would. The sight of marriage was still another 5 or 6 years away and yet she already felt bonded to him. Also she had a secret fear that she may never fall for another man or another man would fall for her as she considered herself with much less self worth than she deserved. If he were to let go she knew she would fall into an abyss of darkness and she feared this with her entire being.
So she kept quiet as she usually did.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
The Sunset...
The sun is red as it dips down to take it's sleep
Through the trees the majestic haze creeps through...
lightening up the landscape as it says 'adeu'
Sitting in a stifling room I witness the event
My heart and soul beginning to sink with the golden orb
The fire of emotions and peace and serinity growing cold
The landscape is now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
As the ebony monster places his footsteps towards them
sucking away the joyful pallete once had
I am now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
No light to find my way and no heat to warm me
lost in the dreary darkness i fall into a pit of cold stone
But the sun rises again to reveal the hidden truth
Darkness cannot envelop the beauty that was always there
For although shielded from sight it never loses spirit
I have fallen but unlike nature my sun has not risen
The beauty has dissapeared and only steep walls surround me
clutching nothing but air I slowly wither in the unending night
Will the sun ever shine in this pit again?
Through the trees the majestic haze creeps through...
lightening up the landscape as it says 'adeu'
Sitting in a stifling room I witness the event
My heart and soul beginning to sink with the golden orb
The fire of emotions and peace and serinity growing cold
The landscape is now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
As the ebony monster places his footsteps towards them
sucking away the joyful pallete once had
I am now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
No light to find my way and no heat to warm me
lost in the dreary darkness i fall into a pit of cold stone
But the sun rises again to reveal the hidden truth
Darkness cannot envelop the beauty that was always there
For although shielded from sight it never loses spirit
I have fallen but unlike nature my sun has not risen
The beauty has dissapeared and only steep walls surround me
clutching nothing but air I slowly wither in the unending night
Will the sun ever shine in this pit again?
Friday, May 23, 2008
cross roads...
so here i am.. back home after completing what i set out to do. it wasnt the happiest moments in my life but it has got me here. i can safely look back and say i do not regret what i have done in the past 2 years... but i do know that its not me. i am not the cut throat competitive kind... all i wanted was to do my best in whatever i did. i will stick by that no matter where i go or end up.
it was a growing up experience a hand on of who i am and how i can survive on my own even on the deariiest moments where life is meaningless and looking forward was like looking into a barrel of a revolver and sometimes ur just longing for that bullet to hit you so that you can be numb to the hurt, injustice and pain that surrounds you.
even now i have no regrets in my life. yes it is not a very long one.. just almost 21 years... but i am lucky to say i have no regrets for it is a priviledge to b able to not fear death or whats to come.
but i have found out that there are worse things than death. somethings that can keep killing you everyday... choice: god gave us the freedom of choice. it is what defines to the sections of good or bad according to the circumstance the choice was made. funny.. we say gos knows everything...what has happened, what is happening, what will happen. we say he has a plan for us... he knows what we are going to do before we do it for he has our whole life planned. then what is choice?
i am in a crossroad...where i am surrounded by paths of all kinds. broad ones which have opportunity. long ones which have things i had planned before. narrow ones like leaving the person i love or another where i stay back and leave my parents. short ones where i do the RAD teachers and start my school. long ones where i do university all over again and continue to where no one knows where it ends...
God!! please just tell me yuor plan for me for i would like to do what you want from me. but i dont know which path to take...for whichever way i lose something i love or something good for me or something people want me... its a gamble where i risk one for another and i have no say as to the end.
sure everyone says that they will support me no matter what... ha! im sure they mean when they say it but its more than that.
i was never a person who sought alot. i didnt have big dreams. i did what i did to the best of my ability but i never asked for much. now im getting too much and i dont know what to do. for nothing comes without a price to pay or scarifice to make. i cannot have it all... no one can...
i have one month to decide the next years of my life... God please... have pity on my confused and purposeless life and let me see your path for me... for then i know i wont falter!! Help me God i beg of you!!
it was a growing up experience a hand on of who i am and how i can survive on my own even on the deariiest moments where life is meaningless and looking forward was like looking into a barrel of a revolver and sometimes ur just longing for that bullet to hit you so that you can be numb to the hurt, injustice and pain that surrounds you.
even now i have no regrets in my life. yes it is not a very long one.. just almost 21 years... but i am lucky to say i have no regrets for it is a priviledge to b able to not fear death or whats to come.
but i have found out that there are worse things than death. somethings that can keep killing you everyday... choice: god gave us the freedom of choice. it is what defines to the sections of good or bad according to the circumstance the choice was made. funny.. we say gos knows everything...what has happened, what is happening, what will happen. we say he has a plan for us... he knows what we are going to do before we do it for he has our whole life planned. then what is choice?
i am in a crossroad...where i am surrounded by paths of all kinds. broad ones which have opportunity. long ones which have things i had planned before. narrow ones like leaving the person i love or another where i stay back and leave my parents. short ones where i do the RAD teachers and start my school. long ones where i do university all over again and continue to where no one knows where it ends...
God!! please just tell me yuor plan for me for i would like to do what you want from me. but i dont know which path to take...for whichever way i lose something i love or something good for me or something people want me... its a gamble where i risk one for another and i have no say as to the end.
sure everyone says that they will support me no matter what... ha! im sure they mean when they say it but its more than that.
i was never a person who sought alot. i didnt have big dreams. i did what i did to the best of my ability but i never asked for much. now im getting too much and i dont know what to do. for nothing comes without a price to pay or scarifice to make. i cannot have it all... no one can...
i have one month to decide the next years of my life... God please... have pity on my confused and purposeless life and let me see your path for me... for then i know i wont falter!! Help me God i beg of you!!
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