cross roads...

so here i am.. back home after completing what i set out to do. it wasnt the happiest moments in my life but it has got me here. i can safely look back and say i do not regret what i have done in the past 2 years... but i do know that its not me. i am not the cut throat competitive kind... all i wanted was to do my best in whatever i did. i will stick by that no matter where i go or end up.

it was a growing up experience a hand on of who i am and how i can survive on my own even on the deariiest moments where life is meaningless and looking forward was like looking into a barrel of a revolver and sometimes ur just longing for that bullet to hit you so that you can be numb to the hurt, injustice and pain that surrounds you.

even now i have no regrets in my life. yes it is not a very long one.. just almost 21 years... but i am lucky to say i have no regrets for it is a priviledge to b able to not fear death or whats to come.
but i have found out that there are worse things than death. somethings that can keep killing you everyday... choice: god gave us the freedom of choice. it is what defines to the sections of good or bad according to the circumstance the choice was made. funny.. we say gos knows everything...what has happened, what is happening, what will happen. we say he has a plan for us... he knows what we are going to do before we do it for he has our whole life planned. then what is choice?

i am in a crossroad...where i am surrounded by paths of all kinds. broad ones which have opportunity. long ones which have things i had planned before. narrow ones like leaving the person i love or another where i stay back and leave my parents. short ones where i do the RAD teachers and start my school. long ones where i do university all over again and continue to where no one knows where it ends...

God!! please just tell me yuor plan for me for i would like to do what you want from me. but i dont know which path to take...for whichever way i lose something i love or something good for me or something people want me... its a gamble where i risk one for another and i have no say as to the end.
sure everyone says that they will support me no matter what... ha! im sure they mean when they say it but its more than that.

i was never a person who sought alot. i didnt have big dreams. i did what i did to the best of my ability but i never asked for much. now im getting too much and i dont know what to do. for nothing comes without a price to pay or scarifice to make. i cannot have it all... no one can...

i have one month to decide the next years of my life... God please... have pity on my confused and purposeless life and let me see your path for me... for then i know i wont falter!! Help me God i beg of you!!