she kept quiet...

She kept quiet as she usually did. So many thought buzzed in her head but she did not voice them for she knew it would only ensue in a fight which she would not win. It has been precisely a month she arrived back home. Finally arrived, with no worry of needing to go back to any forlorn country where her heart was sick of being in. and now when her everything seemed to fall into a place a new fear begins to creep across her. Here she was, forsaking her family to be here striving to be her own person and make her own decisions and choices. Giving up many things for the ultimate thing she thinks she wants: to be with him. No one says it is her wisest decision and maybe it was not but she knew what her choices were and what her heart wanted and so she gambled like her father in the stock market. Her father however was good at what he did and always profited. Her profit in her gamble was still to be seen.

He loved her. She knew this and believed it with everything she had, and she loved him back. But he was so complex and she felt like she could never fully be the person he wanted her to be. A part of her told her that she shouldn’t try to be that person that she was an individual in herself and whatever she wanted to do or feel was alright. But to please him she did try again and again. Then there were times when she did not want to try where she wanted him to try instead but that would never happen. ‘Accept me as I am or find someone else’ was what he usually said if she asked something of him. What she wanted or liked had to be put off or forgone most of the time.

He had been trying of late after she had had a breakdown of sorts and her mental state was diminished to a heavy dark cloud with barely a wisp of warmth could be felt. He tried and yet his dominance sometimes overwhelmed the trying that she barely felt it. But she could not let go. The relationship ran too deep in her. She had never been with anyone else and in her mind and heart knew she would. The sight of marriage was still another 5 or 6 years away and yet she already felt bonded to him. Also she had a secret fear that she may never fall for another man or another man would fall for her as she considered herself with much less self worth than she deserved. If he were to let go she knew she would fall into an abyss of darkness and she feared this with her entire being.

So she kept quiet as she usually did.

The Sunset...

The sun is red as it dips down to take it's sleep
Through the trees the majestic haze creeps through...
lightening up the landscape as it says 'adeu'

Sitting in a stifling room I witness the event
My heart and soul beginning to sink with the golden orb
The fire of emotions and peace and serinity growing cold

The landscape is now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
As the ebony monster places his footsteps towards them
sucking away the joyful pallete once had

I am now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
No light to find my way and no heat to warm me
lost in the dreary darkness i fall into a pit of cold stone

But the sun rises again to reveal the hidden truth
Darkness cannot envelop the beauty that was always there
For although shielded from sight it never loses spirit

I have fallen but unlike nature my sun has not risen
The beauty has dissapeared and only steep walls surround me
clutching nothing but air I slowly wither in the unending night

Will the sun ever shine in this pit again?

cross roads...

so here i am.. back home after completing what i set out to do. it wasnt the happiest moments in my life but it has got me here. i can safely look back and say i do not regret what i have done in the past 2 years... but i do know that its not me. i am not the cut throat competitive kind... all i wanted was to do my best in whatever i did. i will stick by that no matter where i go or end up.

it was a growing up experience a hand on of who i am and how i can survive on my own even on the deariiest moments where life is meaningless and looking forward was like looking into a barrel of a revolver and sometimes ur just longing for that bullet to hit you so that you can be numb to the hurt, injustice and pain that surrounds you.

even now i have no regrets in my life. yes it is not a very long one.. just almost 21 years... but i am lucky to say i have no regrets for it is a priviledge to b able to not fear death or whats to come.
but i have found out that there are worse things than death. somethings that can keep killing you everyday... choice: god gave us the freedom of choice. it is what defines to the sections of good or bad according to the circumstance the choice was made. funny.. we say gos knows everything...what has happened, what is happening, what will happen. we say he has a plan for us... he knows what we are going to do before we do it for he has our whole life planned. then what is choice?

i am in a crossroad...where i am surrounded by paths of all kinds. broad ones which have opportunity. long ones which have things i had planned before. narrow ones like leaving the person i love or another where i stay back and leave my parents. short ones where i do the RAD teachers and start my school. long ones where i do university all over again and continue to where no one knows where it ends...

God!! please just tell me yuor plan for me for i would like to do what you want from me. but i dont know which path to take...for whichever way i lose something i love or something good for me or something people want me... its a gamble where i risk one for another and i have no say as to the end.
sure everyone says that they will support me no matter what... ha! im sure they mean when they say it but its more than that.

i was never a person who sought alot. i didnt have big dreams. i did what i did to the best of my ability but i never asked for much. now im getting too much and i dont know what to do. for nothing comes without a price to pay or scarifice to make. i cannot have it all... no one can...

i have one month to decide the next years of my life... God please... have pity on my confused and purposeless life and let me see your path for me... for then i know i wont falter!! Help me God i beg of you!!

whats wrong with me??? something is really wrong with me!!! i don't know what but i do know it Isn't good...
I'm not who i was.. and i don't want to be the person i am...
i feel like i am being crushed, trampled and the world is leaving me behind..

someone says they love me...i die more... i am not with them and it tears me up.
jailed in this place where i live like a loner and where i cannot find comfort...
where is that girl who always had a smile to brighten the day? where is that girl who knew what she wanted and strode to it no matter what? where is he girl whose convictions made her strong and confident, proud and sure? she is missing... lost somewhere in the past year in this place where love and affection is in drought.
where she wakes, eats, sleeps alone... and even when she is peoples presence she feels alone... the worst kind of loneliness one can feel...alone in a crowd...
she feels distant from herself as if watching the happenings through a third party.
detached and empty she looks on...if there is hope in the distant she cant see it... for she is veiled by the mist and the sheen of tears unable to escape.

A feeling...

little by little it seeps in..
this poisonous liquid..through the veins..
its ingredients are frustration, loneliness and a sense of self hate..
succumb to the tears that fall..not knowing the reason why
days go by and yet your heart sinks deeper
ironic this is as it should be lighter with each passing day giving hope to the troubled heart
but instead it tightens its grip on the soul that was once filled with hope and love and smiles..
it has now become desolate as a dessert with tears of salt to wetten the dry ground.
the ground hardens like the heart and it begins to show signs of cracking..
the poison had done its work
it has seeped in entirely... little by little...

time passes..

so February comes to an end... i am thankful that time is passing but march seems like an endless month!
i am missing my home and loved ones but try and keep busy to not feel it too much. i still have another 2 months to go before i go back home and 3 to 4 months before i am where i want to be. i hope the decisions i make are what God expects from me. but i know my priorities. i know what will make me happy. so does he. how good it felt when he said that i am his priority and to know that i am what will keep him going when i am there... i love him to bits!!
how lucky i am to have parents who are not caging me and possessing me but letting me test my wings and have faith that i will make the correct decisions for my life and those around me. they really are my everything after him and i hate the fact that i will have to choose and let them go. but i know that they will always be there for me...it is a bond that is so strong and whole that no amount of pressure of time and space can break or scar it.
i am glad that my heart is so strong and is able to understand what it wants. this makes my decision so much easier. i cant wait to come back to my baby and be there for him as much as he will be there for me.

Ode to AT

how can one human cause another human to disintergrate all possible confidence in the other..

of all the sounds i will ever hear
of all the sounds i heard
the sound i fear that hurts my ear
is the sound of an unkind word

the sound of danger when its near
the screeching of a bird
yes, all of these i take with ease
but please not an unkind word

the sound of thousand crashing thunder bolts
do i shake in my boots? not at all
the sound of a rushing pounding waterfall
i simply stand up tall

the deafening silence near a tomb
the eerie cries of the night
although they cause my heart to pound
they are things that only fright

but when i hear an angry voice, i seem to fall apart
this sound i know can kill one's soul
just think about it before you start
an unkind word can break somebody's heart.

Albert Tiong...this is dedicated to you. i hope i forgive you for making me feel like 'shit'.. as you so well put it. but for now my wrath outways the pity i usually have for you. you dont know what you miss by being this psycotic and hardened teacher. we are here to learn.. willling and wanting it! but it is people like you that take away all that and make us..me.. feel like just walking out of class and not caring. but i will hold on! i will not let you win! i will not let you see me give up because of your uncivilised tongue! that is a promise!

poetic thoughts...

some poetry like thought i had jotted down on paper...

The day before i came back to Singapore:

My heart is sinking
I feel empty and numb
the end of my lips facing down.
life passes and i move with it
with a sense of necessity than want.

hollow and deep
echoing made easy
life seems futile and empty
life has become an empty shell, humming the sea.


last Friday at the girls changing room:

Here i sit on a bench
plumbing in front of me
towels on the side
curled up and alone
listening to the distant music
class being taken by my comrades

scribbling on my book
i look up to see me...
brows, lips drooping in loneliness.

unable to stop the wetting of my cheeks
i do not know what has gone wrong...
i was such a cheery girl,
always positive and bright
but now, i only see the rain clouds in the sky.

weight issues....

scary... i feel like im losing weight! and funny as this is to most people it is NOT something to rejoice over! i am a person who never really realised if i put on or not..i was always blessed to have a slender figure and not have to think twice but what i eat or do. but now... im worrying!! i feel like im shrinking! my muscles are not as big as they were..and as a full time dancer that is saying something!

vitamins..here i come!!

and so i am back to the drawing board. been 2 weeks. 2 terrible weeks!!
missing home was just a small part of the emotional breakdowns i was suffering from for the past days... it has been a living hell! the day i was leaving the migrating thing was emphasised with a fight between me n my baby bout trust issue... n then school was really bad in the start with Albert making me his pin cushion. then there is the graduation show where i still don't have a role....sigh..just hell!!

but it is then that you realise that there are so many people who love you and who are always there for you!