blank...

depression is a killer. it makes you think suicidal thoughts. emptiness envelops you life a think fog and you cannot see past it. the body grows weaker the mind dims in clarity. you rationalise that your death would be better for everyone not just yourself. true it is for your own escape, to get away from all this meaningless pandemonium.
there are so many ways... poison you think? no there is a great risk you may not die. cutting the wrists? no too messy. hanging? not practical. and then you come to two conclusions: either drowning in the sea or jumping in front of a train would be the best bet. somehow drowning seems the best of the two as you dont even know how to float.
you like the way plath did it.. very efficient. but you dont know how to die from breathing gas without anyone knowing. woolf did it right. but there is no quiet river or lake close by. the sea is just beckoning to you and imagine a beautiful sunset as you walk towards it. what an ideal place to let everything to go to the horizon beyond.
if people see your life there seems to be no reason that can be comprehended for your feelings death. but thats cos no one ever truly knew you. you have hidden yourself so well that no one can penetrate that inner chamber where your heart truly dwells. thus you are always isolated no matter what you may do on the outside.
with each passing day your body grown weaker and you are afraid of yourself knowing that your own doom is near and it will be one of your own doing.

Counterpoint

I smile. He lies asleep his slips slightly protruding making him seem so vulnerable. I think to myself how blessed I am to have this person in my life.
He twitches in his slumber and I hope it isn’t something too disturbing that made him so. His tough exterior is nowhere to be seen as he hugs himself in the land of dreams.
I guess it is natural for me to feel protective of this person next to me. For I know him more than anyone else. I have seen him in his most helpless moments, when he becomes moody when he is hungry, or how grumpy his in the morning. He is like a little boy wanting someone to soothe him, hold him and just love him.
He told me that no one had ever fed him before I did. I felt so sad. It may not be a big thing but through a mother or father feeding you or hugging you or just making sure you are okay and asking what your day is was such a part of my daily life till the recent past. So how can a boy who has parents not have had any of these things? No hugs, no kisses, no ‘how was your day putha?’
And yet here he is, a strong, smart, capable boy who could have easily fallen prey to the negatives of society with no one really concerned of what happened to him. No thanks to those who would be there just when he achieves something (by himself) and show their face to get some fame. He was someone who needed some love.
And then there is a person like myself who has had everything and more. A person who was loved and cared for by many and was shown and taught right from wrong and made to know life with someone looking out for me. I was someone who had so much love in excess.
So isn’t it right for someone like me to be with someone like him? It’s like 2 halves finding the perfect other. Like the hand finding the perfect glove. Me being the motherly figure, who wants to love, care and give him the security of a family and for me to have found my soul mate even without trying to. I know that God made him for me and I for him.
I do hope everyone can feel as happy, content and loved as I am and find that counterpoint of you in this lifetime.

Silence

I speak and someone doesn’t listen
I speak again and someone interrupts me
I speak and someone doesn’t heed what I say…
I stop speaking.
Now someone says ‘speak…’ and there is silence
I won’t speak again
No expressing tales, emotions and the works of my mind
Choose what you want to think
Interpret whatever you want
But you will not hear me speak
My tongue behind my teeth my jaw set
My mind calm after a mad rush of emotion
Blocking consciousness and reality
The air never reaches the tender folds of flesh
Never passing through the palate of richness
For with time speech is lost
Silence remains for silence can say enough
Maybe right maybe wrong…
It’s up to you to choose
For I will not speak

I Try I Try..

I try I try…
But I end up with nothing but a wounded spirit
Crying eyes.
Why is it so hard? All I ever do is try to please you
But it is never enough.
And when I am just done with criticism I’ll sigh…
But never will you come away to see
The hurt in my heart and eyes.
I try I try…
Always doing everything I can to make things easier for you
Feeling terrible when what I can do is limited
And yet you go on complaining and complaining
I sigh…
For I will never tell you how much you hurt me
You will only see it in your eyes
Looking at me as if I were incompetent, a child
Who knows nothing and amounts to nothing
I try I try…
And I dread the day I stop trying
For that is the day we will go our separate ways
Leaving years of trying to the ashes of time
I sigh…
For now I will keep trying
Till time and will mark a full stop on our rhyme.

she kept quiet...

She kept quiet as she usually did. So many thought buzzed in her head but she did not voice them for she knew it would only ensue in a fight which she would not win. It has been precisely a month she arrived back home. Finally arrived, with no worry of needing to go back to any forlorn country where her heart was sick of being in. and now when her everything seemed to fall into a place a new fear begins to creep across her. Here she was, forsaking her family to be here striving to be her own person and make her own decisions and choices. Giving up many things for the ultimate thing she thinks she wants: to be with him. No one says it is her wisest decision and maybe it was not but she knew what her choices were and what her heart wanted and so she gambled like her father in the stock market. Her father however was good at what he did and always profited. Her profit in her gamble was still to be seen.

He loved her. She knew this and believed it with everything she had, and she loved him back. But he was so complex and she felt like she could never fully be the person he wanted her to be. A part of her told her that she shouldn’t try to be that person that she was an individual in herself and whatever she wanted to do or feel was alright. But to please him she did try again and again. Then there were times when she did not want to try where she wanted him to try instead but that would never happen. ‘Accept me as I am or find someone else’ was what he usually said if she asked something of him. What she wanted or liked had to be put off or forgone most of the time.

He had been trying of late after she had had a breakdown of sorts and her mental state was diminished to a heavy dark cloud with barely a wisp of warmth could be felt. He tried and yet his dominance sometimes overwhelmed the trying that she barely felt it. But she could not let go. The relationship ran too deep in her. She had never been with anyone else and in her mind and heart knew she would. The sight of marriage was still another 5 or 6 years away and yet she already felt bonded to him. Also she had a secret fear that she may never fall for another man or another man would fall for her as she considered herself with much less self worth than she deserved. If he were to let go she knew she would fall into an abyss of darkness and she feared this with her entire being.

So she kept quiet as she usually did.

The Sunset...

The sun is red as it dips down to take it's sleep
Through the trees the majestic haze creeps through...
lightening up the landscape as it says 'adeu'

Sitting in a stifling room I witness the event
My heart and soul beginning to sink with the golden orb
The fire of emotions and peace and serinity growing cold

The landscape is now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
As the ebony monster places his footsteps towards them
sucking away the joyful pallete once had

I am now bare, dull and devoid of spirit
No light to find my way and no heat to warm me
lost in the dreary darkness i fall into a pit of cold stone

But the sun rises again to reveal the hidden truth
Darkness cannot envelop the beauty that was always there
For although shielded from sight it never loses spirit

I have fallen but unlike nature my sun has not risen
The beauty has dissapeared and only steep walls surround me
clutching nothing but air I slowly wither in the unending night

Will the sun ever shine in this pit again?

cross roads...

so here i am.. back home after completing what i set out to do. it wasnt the happiest moments in my life but it has got me here. i can safely look back and say i do not regret what i have done in the past 2 years... but i do know that its not me. i am not the cut throat competitive kind... all i wanted was to do my best in whatever i did. i will stick by that no matter where i go or end up.

it was a growing up experience a hand on of who i am and how i can survive on my own even on the deariiest moments where life is meaningless and looking forward was like looking into a barrel of a revolver and sometimes ur just longing for that bullet to hit you so that you can be numb to the hurt, injustice and pain that surrounds you.

even now i have no regrets in my life. yes it is not a very long one.. just almost 21 years... but i am lucky to say i have no regrets for it is a priviledge to b able to not fear death or whats to come.
but i have found out that there are worse things than death. somethings that can keep killing you everyday... choice: god gave us the freedom of choice. it is what defines to the sections of good or bad according to the circumstance the choice was made. funny.. we say gos knows everything...what has happened, what is happening, what will happen. we say he has a plan for us... he knows what we are going to do before we do it for he has our whole life planned. then what is choice?

i am in a crossroad...where i am surrounded by paths of all kinds. broad ones which have opportunity. long ones which have things i had planned before. narrow ones like leaving the person i love or another where i stay back and leave my parents. short ones where i do the RAD teachers and start my school. long ones where i do university all over again and continue to where no one knows where it ends...

God!! please just tell me yuor plan for me for i would like to do what you want from me. but i dont know which path to take...for whichever way i lose something i love or something good for me or something people want me... its a gamble where i risk one for another and i have no say as to the end.
sure everyone says that they will support me no matter what... ha! im sure they mean when they say it but its more than that.

i was never a person who sought alot. i didnt have big dreams. i did what i did to the best of my ability but i never asked for much. now im getting too much and i dont know what to do. for nothing comes without a price to pay or scarifice to make. i cannot have it all... no one can...

i have one month to decide the next years of my life... God please... have pity on my confused and purposeless life and let me see your path for me... for then i know i wont falter!! Help me God i beg of you!!

whats wrong with me??? something is really wrong with me!!! i don't know what but i do know it Isn't good...
I'm not who i was.. and i don't want to be the person i am...
i feel like i am being crushed, trampled and the world is leaving me behind..

someone says they love me...i die more... i am not with them and it tears me up.
jailed in this place where i live like a loner and where i cannot find comfort...
where is that girl who always had a smile to brighten the day? where is that girl who knew what she wanted and strode to it no matter what? where is he girl whose convictions made her strong and confident, proud and sure? she is missing... lost somewhere in the past year in this place where love and affection is in drought.
where she wakes, eats, sleeps alone... and even when she is peoples presence she feels alone... the worst kind of loneliness one can feel...alone in a crowd...
she feels distant from herself as if watching the happenings through a third party.
detached and empty she looks on...if there is hope in the distant she cant see it... for she is veiled by the mist and the sheen of tears unable to escape.

A feeling...

little by little it seeps in..
this poisonous liquid..through the veins..
its ingredients are frustration, loneliness and a sense of self hate..
succumb to the tears that fall..not knowing the reason why
days go by and yet your heart sinks deeper
ironic this is as it should be lighter with each passing day giving hope to the troubled heart
but instead it tightens its grip on the soul that was once filled with hope and love and smiles..
it has now become desolate as a dessert with tears of salt to wetten the dry ground.
the ground hardens like the heart and it begins to show signs of cracking..
the poison had done its work
it has seeped in entirely... little by little...

time passes..

so February comes to an end... i am thankful that time is passing but march seems like an endless month!
i am missing my home and loved ones but try and keep busy to not feel it too much. i still have another 2 months to go before i go back home and 3 to 4 months before i am where i want to be. i hope the decisions i make are what God expects from me. but i know my priorities. i know what will make me happy. so does he. how good it felt when he said that i am his priority and to know that i am what will keep him going when i am there... i love him to bits!!
how lucky i am to have parents who are not caging me and possessing me but letting me test my wings and have faith that i will make the correct decisions for my life and those around me. they really are my everything after him and i hate the fact that i will have to choose and let them go. but i know that they will always be there for me...it is a bond that is so strong and whole that no amount of pressure of time and space can break or scar it.
i am glad that my heart is so strong and is able to understand what it wants. this makes my decision so much easier. i cant wait to come back to my baby and be there for him as much as he will be there for me.

Ode to AT

how can one human cause another human to disintergrate all possible confidence in the other..

of all the sounds i will ever hear
of all the sounds i heard
the sound i fear that hurts my ear
is the sound of an unkind word

the sound of danger when its near
the screeching of a bird
yes, all of these i take with ease
but please not an unkind word

the sound of thousand crashing thunder bolts
do i shake in my boots? not at all
the sound of a rushing pounding waterfall
i simply stand up tall

the deafening silence near a tomb
the eerie cries of the night
although they cause my heart to pound
they are things that only fright

but when i hear an angry voice, i seem to fall apart
this sound i know can kill one's soul
just think about it before you start
an unkind word can break somebody's heart.

Albert Tiong...this is dedicated to you. i hope i forgive you for making me feel like 'shit'.. as you so well put it. but for now my wrath outways the pity i usually have for you. you dont know what you miss by being this psycotic and hardened teacher. we are here to learn.. willling and wanting it! but it is people like you that take away all that and make us..me.. feel like just walking out of class and not caring. but i will hold on! i will not let you win! i will not let you see me give up because of your uncivilised tongue! that is a promise!

poetic thoughts...

some poetry like thought i had jotted down on paper...

The day before i came back to Singapore:

My heart is sinking
I feel empty and numb
the end of my lips facing down.
life passes and i move with it
with a sense of necessity than want.

hollow and deep
echoing made easy
life seems futile and empty
life has become an empty shell, humming the sea.


last Friday at the girls changing room:

Here i sit on a bench
plumbing in front of me
towels on the side
curled up and alone
listening to the distant music
class being taken by my comrades

scribbling on my book
i look up to see me...
brows, lips drooping in loneliness.

unable to stop the wetting of my cheeks
i do not know what has gone wrong...
i was such a cheery girl,
always positive and bright
but now, i only see the rain clouds in the sky.

weight issues....

scary... i feel like im losing weight! and funny as this is to most people it is NOT something to rejoice over! i am a person who never really realised if i put on or not..i was always blessed to have a slender figure and not have to think twice but what i eat or do. but now... im worrying!! i feel like im shrinking! my muscles are not as big as they were..and as a full time dancer that is saying something!

vitamins..here i come!!

and so i am back to the drawing board. been 2 weeks. 2 terrible weeks!!
missing home was just a small part of the emotional breakdowns i was suffering from for the past days... it has been a living hell! the day i was leaving the migrating thing was emphasised with a fight between me n my baby bout trust issue... n then school was really bad in the start with Albert making me his pin cushion. then there is the graduation show where i still don't have a role....sigh..just hell!!

but it is then that you realise that there are so many people who love you and who are always there for you!

the king was born...

and so another Christmas goes by... it had all the usual family get together and prayer times. let me rewind to the eve of Christmas...
the hexagon met at the beach at bout 9 with much enthusiasm and hugs to spare!! it was a grand reunion as we plopped ourselves on a straw mat on the sand. breakfast was served with waffles, milk rice, juice and tea and even some cookies baked by Shannon love :)
we played uno and had a good time gossiping and bugging and giggling throughout! he three guys were quite at ease as well... they have had enough of experience with us girl i imagine to know what to expect..he he
then we separated and i went shopping with my baby and later onto ms. Vs. she is our guide in some ways when it comes to issues we cannot speak to our parents or when we need to someone to listen.
it was nice to have him with me for sometime... him being there makes me feel so special and loved :)

Christmas was ok...went to my grand parents (mother's side) and spent the day there. not that special or fun as the cousins who came are married!

26th we went to my dads side get together. surprisingly that was fun. there are 30 immediate relations there!! what a crowd!! they sing and dance and act! a bit raw and rough but still all done in good fun.

and so Christmas passed... n i am left with 5days before i have to take my leave from home again :(
how i wish time could stand still!

coming onto the eve of christmas...

The day before Christmas eve and i still cannot feel the Christmas excitement that usually comes with this time. i think i have been to melancholy and getting myself worked up over trivial things and have forgotten the main aspect of this holiday.

i couldn't eat yesterday cos i was in a row with someone and couldn't help not being enthusiastic when my dad took us out for dinner. i felt so bad. he had told my mom to pick a place where i would like to eat. my dad is the greatest!
well i am better now as it is a bit settled and i am looking forward to tomorrow where the entire hexagon and their loved ones ;) are meeting up for a picnic at the beach!! cannot wait!! gonna be so much fun!! yay!!

i went today for dinner with my parents again and this time it was just me and them without my sisters (we dropped them at different venues for other things). how i love to watch my parents! after 27 years of marriage they still are so much in love it's so wonderful!! little things where my dads hand got my moms while he is driving and he can spare it, how my mom tilts her head onto his shoulder, how they sometimes fight over things cos they want whats best for each other (that usually happens with my dad scolding us saying we dont help ma n then scolding her that she has spoiled us!).
i really do hope that the man i end marrying will love me as much as my dad loves my mom! that really is all i need to ask for...then everything will fall into place...

blue christmas...

time flies when your having fun they say...how true...
the countdown for my return back to Singapore has started and although it is my last semester i cannot look at it in a positive way....
the new developments are hanging over me like a weight...and i cannot seem to get it away before it collapses me...
i feel so melancholy and abandoned... i have not had a chance to spend some proper time with my baby after the first week i was here and that makes my heart sink...
i know one must enjoy the time one has and not dwell on such thoughts as i do... but when you cannot spend that time the way you do want it to well you cant help but be reminded of the ticking clock that keeps you that pulls you away from the strands of refuge...

even Christmas has not made an impression on my family this time due to the issues arising with these happenings...
i feel like i am drowning in my own tears as i write this... all i need is a shoulder to cry on and comforting arms to hold me... and sadly these are not available at the moment... :(

Sisterhood of the travelling pants and the Hexagon! :)

Friends are one of the most important things in life! specially your girl friends who are there through thick and thin! The ladies who are only second to your family!! even though we are now separated most of the time with the paths we have taken the fact that we still make time for each other and take an effort to meet...that is what will always keep the sisterhood of the Hexagon alive!! mwaaaaaahs and cheers sweethearts!!

p.s: 2 people are missing in the pic.. so its 6 entirely..hence the name 'Hexagon'

choir....
Soundarie came back with a rehearsal of 5 hours! ha ha!! but her presence suddenly made me realise the reason i bear coming to choir...she played the piano and we all came to life with a new lease and zest and companionship that (i felt) had been disintegrating... i will always feel a bit detached from this group...maybe it is because i have missed a lot while i have been away and have never travelled with them to any of the places they have gone to.. (this is because of bad timing and me being away :( ) but all in all singing is something i have always enjoyed so i hope that a day like yesterday where i felt like being a part of it again will remain...

Choir frustrations!

have you ever been surrounded by tons of people and yet felt lonely? out of place? just plain odd?
i feel like that when i go for my choir practices. these girls are a mixture of ages, careers, personalities and social backgrounds. we are brought together by a tie of blood through school and the love for music.
however i find that it has become a group of selfish, proud, arrogant and head strong bunch (myself included) due to the praises and awards that they have been blessed to gain. as individuals most of them are lovely people who really are in a class of their own but as soon as they are a part of this group....well... things change and so do people.

there was a time when i felt honoured and humbled to be among this crowd and do what we did with praise to God. now i find myself frustrated and irritated every time i go for practices.
as i said we are a mixture of girls. some are bankers, journalists, university students majoring in architecture, arts, technology, management, dance (which is me!) ad even radio personalities. just like this diversity in what we specialise, it obviously is also so in our singing capabilities. some have strong voices others soft. some have a wonderful sense of pitch while others are so-so. some have tons of confidence and others will want to hide behind someone or prefer not to be heard (like me). we can all sing, but our capabilities and vary.
so when working in a group are we not supposed to give and take and help each other out? shouldn't those with powerful voices, wonderful pitch and oozing confidence be in the thicket of those who are not so and be the pillar? or are they supposed to group themselves into one group and leave those timid and helpless choristers flailing in deep waters? why cant those who are capable to hold the fortress by themselves split up to help hold the others? why do they have to be in the high tower alone?
instead of giving support they take away the bit of confidence these girls have in them. they take away their want to be a part of this group. they are the lords and ladies and sometimes their heads are too high to see whats happening...and when what they want is not accomplished, 'off with the heads' with criticisms and rolling of eyes and sharpness of tongue. what a nightmare! i m so glad that at least i will be able to leave soon... or that too would have caused a scandal! there is no bondage of any kind except the unwritten one which keeps you tied tighter than any other legal one. but some issues just cannot help but sever this bond...like us migrating! :)...but this kind of separation, as it is unavoidable, can be done peacefully and with even good wishes of luck...

negative musings...falling down...down...down...

A rainy, cold and gloomy day!
plans of going to watch and hear carols sung seem to go out the window.
my close pal is warded because she had a stone in her kidney! gosh!! a 20yr old with a stone in her kidney! what is this world coming to!
i suppose the weather is to blame for me being in a gloomy mood. i am seeing all the negative aspects of life right now...and it is not healthy!!

getting a chance to go to...or more specifically migrate to the states is what many people want these days... my family however were never like that. my parents and i like the simple life we lead here in our mother land. my sisters are not that quiet and long for adventure.
i am experiencing a taste of adventure in Singapore where i am supposing to be doing something i love. well i know studying abroad is NOT what it is all hyped to be...at least for a person like me.
i love my family and blossom when i am surrounded by people i love. living alone there is not my ideal place of growth. i am not a party person and prefer a good book or a quiet stroll to going around and spending time supposedly to have fun. for a person like that Singapore holds nothing much and i find in claustrophobic!
long distance relationships are not that great either although i must say my baby has been the best! he is so understanding about these things that it hurts me more as i am the reason we are apart.
i was looking forward to the end of it and now... sigh...
looks like i might go to America as soon as i am done in Singapore!

everyone says how great it is! how it is such a great chance...well right now my heart is sinking at the prospect...
it anyway wont be the entire family. my elder sister is not eligible as she is over 21. this means my dad will have to stay back and then i know my mom cant stay away for long either...
so again i am stuck away at another land away from those i love... at least i have my younger sister. i am glad at least she doesn't have to go alone.
we cannot come often as i used to as the tickets are so expensive! so the distance becomes wider and longer...

i feel like i am falling into a pit... dark and cold as the rain outside my window...